Project "Repair Relationship with Daughter" is on hold

I am so done. I have been pushed too far. I am sad and depressed and don't know how to make my daughter happy. I can't. I really can't. She is so bitter and angry that Andy is here. That he exists. It kills me every day. Hearing about her absolute disgust that he is here, in our house.

I have her seeing a counselor. It seemed to be helping a little, but she won't talk about deep issues with her. She tells me, "Mom, I don't want her to see me cry". But it is way past time for her to see both of us crying and letting it all out. It has to happen. I have to let her see how much I am hurting.

The last six months have been horrible. She blows up at me for any little thing. We fight all the time. Our relationship feels truly toxic. She is nine years old. Andy came along when she was two. We were inseparable and I loved her so much, and she loved me. I stayed at home with her and dedicated my every minute to her. When Andy came along she was pushed aside, and even furthermore, when we learned of how severely disabled Andy would be at 9 months old.

She feels that ever since he came along, our bond has been broken, and I know it has. No matter how much I tell her that I love her and care about her, she doesn't believe it. She thinks that I do not love her, and Andy is all that matters. Anything that goes wrong is Andy's fault. No matter what it is. I told her she can't keep blaming him for everything.

I try so hard to make her happy, and it is all for nothing. Anything she wants, I do it. She wants a new room decor, I do it. She wants cats, we get them for her. She wants more clothing with cats on it, I run out and buy it while she's at school. I take her to all kinds of activities with her Girl Scout troop. I am the co-leader, so I plan activities, make calls, emails, carpool her and her friends to the events, I am at all the meetings with her- it isn't good enough. Nothing is ever good enough.

She is done with me. She told me she doesn't want to get close to me again, because she is just going to get hurt when I pull away for Andy's needs, and she doesn't want that. She doesn't know if we can ever be as close again as we were when she was little. She says "Dad is the only one that is truly there for me".

We've been through the trenches when she yelled, screamed and cried about how she wished Andy was never born, and he was ruining her life. I felt so guilty and depressed about it for days. Luckily my husband had a weekend away planned and I got to regroup. I was feeling so broken down from her.

When we got back I told her that I never wanted to hear those words out of her mouth again. It was unacceptable for her to talk like that. He's my son. I had him and he's here. We have to make the best of it now.

I lost it today, because I thought we were making good progress. Yet she still resorts to telling me AT LEAST once a day how I am a horrible person. I am a bad mother. I am ruining her life. She is like a teenager already I know. Is this a little young to be happening at nine years old?

I have been taking classes to try to give myself a distraction. Andy can't be changed. He is what he is and I have to just love him and accept him for who he is. If I have any hopes for him they are just crushed, so I don't hope for him anymore. I just love him for who he is now.

If I get wrapped up in what Andy can't do and what can I do to make him better, It just eats me up inside. I have abandoned that. I am trying so hard to restore things with my daughter but right now at this moment I just have to abandon my efforts. I am not going about things in the right way. We both snap at each other so much, we can't feel the love we have for each other.

I'm trying to shift myself into a new line of thought, but it's hard. Our relationship is so toxic and impossible right now I am just a crying mess. She tried to come and apologize to me and I broke down crying again while telling her "You've got to stop telling me what a horrible person I am". I've just been pushed too far.

Now I have to go help her feel better so that she can go to bed, but I can't help feeling like I am just done. At least for today, I'm done.