Thursday, May 9, 2013

Trying to cope and take care of myself

I recently took Andy in for a one month behavior recheck, I'll call it. It was with a nurse practitioner in Andy's very busy and booked up Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation office. He cried the whole hour that we waited to be seen, and he had been crying in the car on the way there. By the time the NP came in, I was in tears too, about ready to walk out. She quickly asked how Andy was doing, "a little better", I told her. Then she wanted to move on to me.

"You don't look like you are coping very well with all this", she told me, and asked "Do you feel you are on the verge of a break down, or how are you doing?". I was crying uncontrollably by now, finding it hard to speak. I get upset when Andy is crying for hours, and I start to feel out of control. I also feel helpless to stop his outbursts, and feel I am failing him.

She told me that my husband and I need to go to counseling to talk about our feelings and hard times with Andy. I understand that I need to go to counseling, and feel I would benefit from it. However, my husband does not feel it will benefit him. I also told her that when I was depressed eight years ago, I used exercise to start feeling better. Joining classes, and working out for a couple of months, helped me to climb out of my depression. Along with seeing my friends and family more. But lately, I feel I don't have the luxury of time to do that.

Right now, I don't use all the resources I have. I tend to isolate myself. Andy is a very difficult child. Difficult to keep happy and entertained. He has a very short fuse. When he gets angry, everyone suffers. Nothing else can happen, but trying to console him.

I have several sisters and friends that I could turn to, but I don't. I need to start scheduling more time to spend with them, so I won't feel so alone. My mental health is definitely suffering right now. The nurse practitioner felt that I wasn't making myself important, and she's right. I won't be able to take care of Andy, if I don't start taking measures to get myself better.

We are trying to sell our old house right now. That has been a priority for us. However, I need to make myself more of a priority right now. I can't continue to put myself on the back burner. There is too much at stake. If only I could find the time...

1 comment: